• Joshua Dopkowski

My Pretend Interview With Donald Trump

President Trump sits down with a reporter to discuss youth vaping and political rivals.

I met Donald Trump a couple of times, but he wouldn’t remember me. On one occasion, Trump knocked my mother into a wall, but I doubt he’d remember her either.

Earlier, I was thinking about what it would be like to interview President Donald J. Trump today.


In the interview, I was trying to speak with him about the upcoming Democratic primary races, specifically about how crowded the political contest has become.


The primary contest between the Dems will ultimately determine who takes on the Don himself in the fall of 2020. I imagine, therefore, that he is paying attention.


Below is the transcript of the interview I imagined myself having with Donald Trump:

ME: Mr. President, thank you for taking the time to speak with me today.

TRUMP: Of course, thank you.

ME: There are now a lot of potential contenders from the Democratic Party that have stepped up to challenge you for the White House in 2020.

TRUMP: Right, well only one gets to be in the ring with me.

ME: Right — Okay, well you have been paying attention?

TRUMP: Of course, everyone is paying attention.

ME: What are your thoughts so…

TRUMP: (INTERRUPTS) I mean I have people paying attention, and they tell me. I can’t watch the Dem circus all day long, every day, I’m, like, you know, I’m important, I’m the President. I have people paying attention, and sometimes, I pay attention too, but we’re paying attention, and I know everything that’s going on.

ME: Right-Well what are your thoughts so far? Who do you believe is going to be the most likely to challenge you in the 2020 general election?

TRUMP: Look, Bernie Sanders compares convicted felons to women’s rights, and civil rights, and he says that felons, I mean these are bad people, really bad people we’re talking about, and he says they should have the right to vote.

ME: You’re referring to Senator Sanders calling for convicted felons to have their ability to vote restored for…

TRUMP: (INTERRUPTS) These are bad, bad people. Killers. Rapists. Convicted child offenders, you know, sex offenders, and convicted killers!

ME: I believe you’re referring to…

TRUMP: (INTERRUPTS) Look, you can’t go around saying to people that our brave men and women, our brave police officers, of the beautiful, amazing United States of America, the American police officers. They go around picking up the trash from the street. Getting these terrible people off the street, MS-13, illegal immigrants, and keeping us safe, risking their lives to do it. Risking their own lives, and all to keep America safe. And Bernie’s saying he wants to let these people vote.

ME: When you say these people, I’m assuming you mean felons?

TRUMP: Yeah, of course, I mean, we can’t let felons decide the course of this country. If you go to prison, you lose your rights. That’s what going to prison is all about, losing your rights.

ME: Is there anything about Senator Sanders that you…

TRUMP: (INTERRUPTS) Bernie Sanders proposes Medicare for all, and the Dems, they say that America will have blood on our hands if we don’t act on climate change. I’ll tell you how we’ll have blood on our hands. You wanna know how we’ll have blood on our hands?

ME: How?

TRUMP: Well I’ll tell you. We’ll have blood on our hands if we give Medicaid, or Medicare, or whatever, to everybody, because, you know, everyone will end up in the hospital! I mean, come on, we can’t do that!

ME: So are you saying that…

TRUMP: (INTERRUPTS) I’ll tell you something else… (LONG PAUSE) youth, vaping.

(SILENCE)

ME: Yeah.

TRUMP: You know what I mean.

ME: I — Mr. President could you expound on…

TRUMP: Must. Stop.

ME: You — are you are saying that youth vaping is a…

TRUMP: (INTERRUPTS) Now.

ME: So you are saying that youth vaping is a bad thing?

TRUMP: Yes. It’s so bad. Very, very bad. It has to stop.

ME: Okay — And this is related to Medicare how?

TRUMP: Oh it’s very related. It’s so related, it’s practically its mother.

ME: Okay — so can you…

TRUMP: (INTERRUPTS) If I was this related to Medicare, I’d be Medicare. I’d actually be Medicaid, or Medicare, or whatever. If I was that related.

ME: You recently made mention of Pete Buttigieg, where you expressed concern that…

TRUMP: (INTERRUPTS) He’s alright. Pete’s alright. I think he’ll have a hard time winning because he’s not in with the right people. You know the Dems, they’re all about the right people.

ME: The right people?

TRUMP: I mean they want to give Obama his presidency back, and… Sanders is okay, he’s kind of losing it I think. He hasn’t been very nice to me, but it’s okay I forgive you, Bernie. I know you’re just a lost hen in a house of sharks. But I think poopy Pete will have a hard time.

ME: Poopy Pete?

TRUMP: Well you know.

ME: No, I’m sorry, I-

TRUMP: Come on you know.

ME: Are you saying something about his…

TRUMP: (INTERRUPTS) I mean we all know he likes to go to the chocolate factory.

ME: I — Are you… Am I to understand that you are talking about his…

TRUMP: (INTERRUPTS) Let me tell you something else I hate…

ME: (SILENCE)

TRUMP: Take Your Child to Work Day.

ME: Um…

TRUMP: I hate it. Kids should get their own jobs. I embrace it, but I hate it. I mean, come on.

ME: Okay, but Mr. President if we could just get back to what you just said about…

TRUMP: (INTERRUPTS) I’m really not concerned about any…

(CROSSTALK)

ME: Okay- Mr. President, I’d like to ask you a different question.

TRUMP: Go ahead.

ME: Okay thank you. So the Mueller report came out…

TRUMP: (INTERRUPTS) Here we go.

ME: And now many top Democrats, along with even some people from your party, have expressed concerns about what’s in the report. Can you touch upon those concerns for us?

TRUMP: Look, these aren’t, like, impartial people, and they want to check my finances, which are great by the way, I have incredible finances, but they want to check my finances.

ME: Who are you referring to specifically?

TRUMP: I wish I could show them, really, I want to, because my finances are amazing. I want them to see just how wrong they’ve been, but I can’t, and I won’t.

ME: Why can’t you show your finances?

TRUMP: I’m not going to. That’s why.

ME: I’m not sure I understand.

TRUMP: Look, and I’ll say this about the people from my party. Look, if you’re not a Trump Republican, then it’s just emotional and it’s irrational. It’s stupid. It’s stupid to not be with me, because I’m with America, and America loves me. And that’s all I’ve got to say.

ME: Your approval rating is…

TRUMP: (INTERRUPTS) My approval rating is 50%, that’s the lowest estimate. That’s the most conservative.

ME: Well actually Mr. President…

TRUMP: (INTERRUPTS) If you’re not a Trump Republican, then it’s because you’re a… I don’t know, you’re something else.

ME: Something else?

TRUMP: I mean why would I want to fire Mueller? That’s what they’re saying, I know what they’re saying, but why would I want to do that? Rod gave me his assurances that the report would be fair. Rod was loyal, so I didn’t have anything to worry about. I mean the fake news, the Washington Post, you know, they even admitted as much. One of the only true things they’ve said, they’ve ever said.

ME: Are you saying that Rosenstein gave you his assurances the report would be favorable to you?

TRUMP: Yeah, of course, I mean the liberal media even said as much, but then they accuse me of obstruction. Why would I obstruct?

ME: Well –

TRUMP: (LEANS IN) Let me ask you something, why would I obstruct, on a crime that I didn’t commit? On collusion that wasn’t collusion, nothing with the Russians, nothing with…

ME: (INTERRUPTS) Well but what about…

TRUMP: (INTERRUPTS) Now the Clinton’s, that’s a different story, but me? Nothing with the Russians, no collusion, no obstruction, I’m completely in the clear. The Washington Post even said so.

ME: Well okay — so did I just hear you say that Rod Rosenstein did tell you that you didn’t need to fire Mueller because the report would be friendly to you? Is this your argument for why you didn’t commit obstruction?

TRUMP: I didn’t commit obstruction. Hillary Clinton obstructed, but I didn’t obstruct.

ME: Hillary Clinton?

TRUMP: Crooked Hillary was trying to collude with the Russians, she wanted to investigate me, to look at me. I tried to turn it back to where it was supposed to be, which was on her. It should have been on her, and her criminal husband slicky dicky over there.

ME: Can we get back to Rosenstein just for a moment?

TRUMP: McGahn said, that I said, something about firing Mueller, but he’s like, lying, I mean I didn’t need to because of what Rod said, so McGahn apparently is working an angle.

ME: What does Don McGahn have to do with this?

TRUMP: McGahn didn’t do what I said, which was stopping Mueller from looking at the wrong people, and start looking at the right people, the right people, which are, like, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, um uh, what’s his face in Congress…

ME: Senator Schumer?

TRUMP: No. No. I mean that green new deal bartender from the Bronx, or Queens, or wherever she says she’s from. I don’t think she’s from Queens. She says she’s from Queens.

ME: You’re referring to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez? You said, “what’s his face.”

TRUMP: Some people have said she’s from the Bronx, but I’m from Queens, and I’ve never seen her, so I don’t think she’s from Queens. So she must be from the Bronx.

ME: You mean AOC, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez? I think she’s from the Bronx.

TRUMP: She’s gotta be from the Bronx, because she can’t be from Queens. I don’t know why she’s saying she’s from Queens.

(CROSSTALK)

ME: Mr. President, did you ask Don McGahn to fire Mueller?

TRUMP: I didn’t need to.

ME: So you didn’t ask him to fire Mueller? You didn’t…

(CROSSTALK)

TRUMP: Look, Rod told me everything was okay, so why would I care what McGahn was doing?

ME: Okay — (PAUSE), during the Mueller investigation, during the two year Mueller investigation…

TRUMP: Hmm mmm, the witchhunt, yeah…

ME: Okay, the 2 year Mueller investigation which you referred to as a witchhunt, you said…

TRUMP: (INTERRUPTS) because it was a witchhunt, the worst witchhunt in human history, worse than anything any country has ever seen before, anywhere.

ME: So during that investigation you…

TRUMPS: (INTERRUPTS) And I survived it. I survived it because there was nothing there.

ME: Okay yes but…

TRUMP: (INTERRUPTS) The economy is the best ever. Women are happier than ever. The police… look, let me tell you something. I went to Kansas, I can’t remember why, but I was in Kansas, and I saw a police officer talking to a young black… a kid, a young, uh, African type kid. They were laughing, they were having a good time.

ME: Okay but Mr. President I’d like to get back to McGahn.

TRUMP: McGahn’s okay, he just lost his way. I hope he finds himself.

ME: Thank you for your time, Mr. President.

TRUMP: Yes, of course, God bless you. Thank you.


This concludes the imagined interview between me and President Donald J. Trump.

 

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